Many children need a little encouragement to develop positive and lasting friendships. Help your child seek out positive playmates and encourage others to warm to them.

Children learn so much when they start school and one of the most important lessons is how to make and keep friends. For some kids, this is a skill that comes naturally, but others need a little more help. Here’s how to help your child develop lasting friendships.

Assess Your Child’s Play Style

Watch your child in a group with his peers, perhaps at playtime or a party. Does he seem shy and hesitant? Or is he at the other extreme and getting too close to other kids or pushing his way into games? Once you have an idea of how he plays, you can make suggestions in a non-confrontational way.

Guide your child towards thinking in terms of friendship rather than popularity. Popularity can come and go quickly, whereas friendships can last for years.

Approach other parents to suggest a play date after school. This will give your child the chance for one-to-one time with a particular classmate, which he won’t get in a busy playground. Many kids are more confident on their home territory and can build the basis of a friendship which they can develop further at school.

Help Your Child Interact With Others

Children who are well-liked usually relate well to the needs of others. Encourage your child to notice when others are feeling shy or upset and to offer help. Not only will this endear other kids to him, but in focusing on others, he’ll gain confidence in his own personality.

Allow your child to have interests outside of school, for example: gymnastics, swimming or book club. If he makes friends in these groups, he’ll feel an inner confidence at this, and have something to talk about at school.

Children who find it hard to join in with others are often overwhelmed by large groups. Talk with your son or daughter about approaching one or two children who are playing, or looking for someone who looks a little left out of the games.

Give your child things to talk about with his classmates. With elementary school kids, this doesn’t have to be so formal as thinking of a list of conversation topics. Instead, using something that might appeal to his classmates, such as a cute lunch box, or gloves with finger puppets on the end, could encourage other children to approach him.

Dealing With Play Problems

Try not to get drawn into playground arguments. Listen if your child wants to talk about disputes, and encourage him to be open with you, but resist the temptation to criticise other children. Instead, try to offer solutions, such as encouraging him to seek out the child he fell out with and offer to play with that person again. Kids make and break friends very easily so it’s best to remain impartial as far as you can.

If you feel your child is getting worried about mixing with his classmates, probe gently to find out what’s happening. Many kids clam up when asked directly about their day when they’re tired and hungry straight after school. Wait until he’s settled at home and then start by saying something about your own day, which will hopefully encourage him to respond with his own experiences.

If he’s still not forthcoming, consider having a discreet word with the class teacher. This doesn’t have to be anything formal, simply a quick chat as you leave or enter the classroom. You could explain that your child seems a little reluctant to join in with others and ask for a suggestion of a classmate he could team up with for classroom activities. Then, a shared activity during the school day could lead to a friend in the playground, avoid any stress for your child and hopefully forge the way to further friendships.

Written Resources (all available from Amazon)

To Read with Your Child:

How to be a Friend: A Guide to Making Friends and Keeping Them by Laurie Krasny Brown [Little, Brown Young Readers, 2001]

Join in and Play by Cheri J Miners [Free Spirit, 2004]

To Read as a Parent:

Best of Friends: How to Help Your Child Make Friends With Confidence by Hilary Pereira [Prentice Hall, 2007]